When Control Becomes the Enemy of Peace

I was having a chat with a dear friend the other day when I realized just how deep my desire for control runs.  My reactions, my environment, my relationships… all of it. So deep that it creeps into my relationship with myself, my daughter, my friends, my family, my work, you name it.

How can feeling in control lead to unhealthy habits?

Here’s what I’ve learned: it’s a coping mechanism. One rooted in a deep fear of disappointment, and a lack of trust. I don’t always trust people to handle the things that matter most to me. So, I plan. I think through every step, calculate every possible outcome, and map out contingencies. If something comes up, I’m already prepared to handle it.

This tendency only grew stronger after becoming a parent. My desire to keep the house clean by limiting my daughter’s play, anticipating her needs, preventing the boo-boos and tantrums - it all came from a need to stay in control, disguised as a desire to keep her safe.

But here’s the truth: always needing to be “prepared” left me exhausted. I was carrying the emotional weight for everyone and everything around me. And no one asked me to.

Control felt like safety. But it became a silent thief. Stealing rest, soft moments, imagination, and even connection. I started to notice how it showed up in small ways: correcting my daughter mid-sentence, feeling irritated when things didn’t go “just right.”

And that’s when it clicked: control, for me, isn’t about power. It’s about fear.
Fear of being let down.
Fear of chaos.
Fear of feeling helpless.

So now, I’m learning to loosen the grip. To ask myself:
“What am I afraid will happen if I don’t control this?”

And even harder:
“Can I trust myself to handle it if it doesn’t go my way?”

It’s not easy. But here’s what’s helping:

• Pause instead of planning. Breathe before I jump into “fixing” or “managing.”
• Ask for help without guilt or disclaimers.
• Let small things slide. If it’s not life-altering, maybe it’s okay to let it be.
• Celebrate progress over perfection.

The more I practice, the more I realize: control may keep things predictable but surrender? Surrender invites growth.

So today, I’m not trying to be the perfect mom, friend, or businesswoman.
I’m just trying to be honest with myself first.
And that means letting go, even just a little.

If any part of this resonated, take one small step today: pause before planning, or ask for help without apology. See how it feels.